I’m sometimes angry. As a pacifist, and tactically astute, I don’t have any good outlets. I can’t punch people. I mean I couldn’t even if I tried. I’m not even sure I would in self defense. Even hitting inanimate objects feels wrong nowadays. It’s like my mind knows that the object is not to blame, and it’s just done projection of impotent rage. Raising my voice, or cruel words are also right out as they make me feel regretful for using them, and don’t dissipate the anger. Even writing on my website seems like a crap idea. If I post it, it’s just a hook I don’t want to be available to others, if I don’t post it, it’s just more impotent rage.
Needless to say, I’m in that impotent rage quandary. I have anger. I have no outlet. Gonna be a dolphin…
[Update to something that has yet to post, yay battery death!]
Still not feeling very dolphin like. Shit wears me out. I’m replaying conversations to figure out if I reacted badly. I didn’t. No future actions have any useful results. It’s just a thing of ignore it. Shit gets old.
On the other hand, so my phone battery is perfectly strong right until I use any data. It tells me the battery is thinking (or is) over drawing trying to get to weak signals.
I am doing a much better job of keeping my cool, at least visually, today. I still have an incredible amount of contempt, but it’s now manageable.